Tough Love Mommy Issues

One of my favorite things to do is to channel surf.

I like to plant myself on the couch with my phone for tweeting, a bowl of chocolate cheerios, wine, water and click away on the remote. I never know where the TV is going to take me.

Sometimes is a scary sex crimes show like Law and Order: SUV or other times its shopping with HSN looking at jewelry that I just must have.

I just never know and I usually end up watching like three shows at once constantly flipping back and forth which drives Jeff insane.

I was doing my usual channel surf on Friday night, hoping to find some cheesy romantic comedy to watch but hell must have slightly frozen over because I didn’t find one.  I ended but watching Food Network, ‘Diners, Drives and Dives’ and a show on VH1 called ‘Tough Love: Miami’.

A food show and the drama of a reality show… good enough for me.

I had never seen ‘Touch Love: Miami’ before but after watching it for a while, I realized that its a show where 8 women who are unlucky in love and relationships are put together in this house and go through this dating boot camp.

Whenever you put eight women in a house there is going to be drama and I do like watching drama. I was hooked.

This particular episode was about how their mothers shaped (aka mess up) the dating lives and relationship of the women.

“Well, shit” I thought, “I am a mother and I have kids that I want to someday be successful in love. I had no idea that my mothering would effect them so much. I gotta watch this closely.”

The women on the show were asked to write letters to their mother’s confronting their ‘mommy issues’. They were to finally get all these things off their chest and heal so that they could hopefully find love.

As I watched each woman write to her mother, I couldn’t help but wonder if some day one of my children would be on a show like this writing to me about all their issues with me and how I messed them up so much that they can’t find love.

Well, I decided right then and there that this is not going to happen. Sure its true that I have no idea what I am going as a parent but I can at least take these letters to heart and do the opposite so my kids will have a chance and no ‘mommy issues’ to hold them back in love and relationships.

So I listened very intently and even took some note.*

One woman wrote about how she felt like her mom was hiding things from her and therefore she felt like she couldn’t tell her mom things about her life.

My solution, be honest. If to make sure my kids are successful in relationships they need to know every detail of my life then I will share when I get my period, the hot sex I had this weekend, the muffin top that I hide in spanx and how I hide in the closet and eat Halloween candy.

Another woman wrote about how her mother never hugged her or made her feel loved.

My solution, show affection. This one is pretty easy. I think that I am pretty affectionate person but from now on I will hold and hug each one of my children for at least 5 minutes before I leave the room and I will hug them for at least 10 minutes before I go out of the house.

Still another woman wrote about how she felt like she wasn’t good enough as compared to her sister.

My solution, I will stop playing favorites. This is going to be kind of difficult for me because I do have favorites among my children but I will try and love them all equally. Or maybe each day one of them can be my favorite and then I dote on that child all day and not the other ones.

Now all this might seem a little silly and extreme but kids do not come with instruction manuals so if some relationship expert on TV, who was given a reality TV show, says that moms can cause a person to fail in love and relationships,  well then I am going to listen to him and do every thing in my power to follow his advice.

He is on TV after all.

What other choice do I have? Keep stumbling along and build up a hefty therapy fund?

I don’t have that kind of money. I spent it all of fabulous weekend get-aways with my husband leaving the kids to fend for themselves.

*In case it wasn’t clear, I am totally being sarcastic. Well, sorta.

A Comment for Everything

My husband is a smartass.

And an (self proclaimed) asshole.

So I guess that makes him a smart-ass-hole which just sounds weird so we are not going to go there.

Jeff has a mouth that won’t quit. I have known this about him since the day we started dating. He is just a big sarcastic smart ass.

And don’t worry, he gets as good as he gives.

Usually he makes me laugh, sometimes he makes me roll my eyes and other times I get my glare on but mostly, he makes me laugh.

“Oh my gawd! You are slow. The continental drift moves faster than you.”

“Let’s take the kids to a Haunted House and scare them so badly that they pee. Come on, its only urine.”

“I need extra buttons on my shirt so that I can replace the ones that were ripped off in the heat of passion.”

But there are times when I say something and I know that I am just opening up the door for him. I have come to the conclusion that he can’t help it. He just must comment and most of the its some smart ass dirty sarcastic remark.

I say, “I am going to take a shower” to which he replies, “You better. You stink and I like my women clean.”

I say, “Man, I can’t wait to change my clothes” to which he replies, “Ooo! Ooo! I can help with that. I’ve got real sharp teeth.”

When a child drops something on the floor, I say, “Hang on, let me pick it up” to which he replies while I am bent over, “Oh yeah, now I can give it to you real good.”

During dinner I say, “I need to get a fork” to which he replies, “I’ll give you are good forking. Oh Yeah!”

I say while eating dinner, “I am a big fan of sausage in spaghetti” to which he replies, “I am a big fan of sausage in you.”

I say, “Don’t touch me. Just please don’t touch me” after a long day of the kids treating me like a jungle gym. To which he replies, “Why, did you have your boyfriend over all day and you had enough?”

I say, “My ear hurts” to which replies, “Sorry, I got confused last night and tried to f*ck your ear.”

I will ask, “Does this outfit look good?” to which he replies with nothing just silence.

I ask, “Will you please make dinner when you get home? The kids and I are stuck in traffic” to which he replies, “What do I look like? The wife?”

I say “I’m coming!” when he calls for me across the house to which he replies, “Wow, already?! I just looked at you.”

See, I told you there was a lot of eye rolling.

This post is part of Writer’s Workshop

When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough head to Outer Space

The house was quiet.

I was enjoying the time to sip my coffee and get a few things done.

Hayden was at school and the little kids had, in their minds, done their mandatory time outside in the cold and were now being rewarded with some time watching their new favorite new show, ‘Bubble Guppies’.

Moments like these are few and far between and I just relish them when they come.

I breathed in the silence and took a sip of coffee when suddenly…

BEEP!

BEEP!

BEEP!

The noise followed by the screams of my children cause me to choke, sputter and couch up my coffee. I set my cup down and walked in the the living room to find Quinn covering his ears, Jake running around in a circle screaming and Claire looked like she was about to cry.

“THE IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY BROAD CAST SYSTEM….”

I now understood what was going on but unfortunately my children did not. I found the remote and muted the TV so that at least that noise would stop.

“Boys and Girls!” I said at the top of my voice to be heard over top their screams, “Its alright. Please stop screaming.”

They all looked at me and the screaming stopped but Quinn, still unsure, kept his hands over his ears.

“Everything is fine,” I began but was not able to finish because Jake chimed him.

“Momma!” he said eyes wide as saucers looking from me to the silenced TV, “it is time to get into our space ship and go to outer space?”

As my brain processed what he said, I could only laugh because I was pretty sure the sarcastic statement of, “Sure, Jake. Let me get the family rocket out of the closet,” would be lost on him.

“I’m Not Drinking that and You can’t Make Me”

It is cold and flu season.

Everyone, including my kids, is sick and that means my kitchen counter is covered in antibiotics that I have to get my kids to take.

Normally, getting my kids to take medicine is not a problem. They are, after all, a little bit addicted to medicine and ask for it when they have a hangnail or a fever. They think that drinking a purple liquid from a little tiny cup is the cure for whatever ails them. (This is probably my fault since I am a nurse and in my choose field we have a medication for every thing.)

But when it comes to actually getting them to take an antibiotic, something they need to heal the infection brewing in their body, the gloves come off and the fight is on.

So because I am a nurse and a mom, I have come up with three different ways that you can use to get kids to take medication in case you are having some of the same issues we are like chasing your kid around the kitchen waving a medicine spoon at them all well spewing threats.

First and definitely the easiest is to get a tube. If you can get a smallish tube and then insert it down their nose and into their stomach you will be golden. It might sound a little far fetched but we do it in the hospital all the time and it is by far the easiest way to get medications into a person without any fight.

The other option is to put the tube into the stomach through the abdomen but that is a little messy and bloody for home.

Second and probably the most common is the crocodile wrestle. Now this method with involve both parents and you will probably need a drop cloth to protect your carpet.

One adult will straddle the kid, holding down their arms and legs and also keep the kid’s head straight. The other adult will come at the child with an oral syringe of medicine and place it in the back corner of the kid’s cheek so that they can’t spit it back at you and are forced to swallow.

Sure, this takes some practice to find the right spot and in the mean time you will get medicine spit at you and possibly cause the kid to choke and vomit like the girl in the Exorcist but once perfected this method is about 50% effective.

Lastly and usually the most effective is the bribe. Yup, its simple but it works and I am sure that child psychologist would agree because its positive reinforcement and sh*t. All I really know is it works. We show the kid the chocolate chip bag then show then the medicine then show them the bag of chocolate chips and they know.

The next thing I know is the medicine is gone and so is the bag of chocolate. Right now, chocolate is all it takes but in the future if this changes to a pony or diamonds then I guess I will just have to get a barn and win the lottery.

Whatever gets those kids to take their medicine, peacefully, is what I am going to do.

So, there.  I hope that you can find something that works for you here and makes giving your kids medicine just a little bit easier.

Why Yes, I am a Parenting Expert

I have been a parent for six years now meaning that I have kept alive and made happy four little children, including triplets. I think that that pretty much makes me an expert so I thought it was high time that I came out with my own parenting theory.

I know that there are people out there that just struggle with how to be a parent and since I have been fairly successful in this parenting gig, I might as well share my knowledge.  I am all about helping people. I know, I know I am a saint. You can all thank me later in the form of donations. Cash will work just fine.

Now, I do want to admit that right now I am only an expert on the early childhood years. I am not quite sure how to manage those tween/teen years but I am sure I’ll manage. I mean really how hard can it be?

I believe that I have lead you on enough so now, here are my tips and tricks that will make parenting through those early childhood years a breeze.

1. Boobs are not best. That is right folks, I am telling you don’t breast feed. You don’t want your boobs to end up all saggy and hang down to your knees. Keep them nice and use a bottle. Besides, if you let your baby all over them then they won’t be so much fun any more in the bedroom.

2. Don’t hold, prop. Since I don’t endorse breasting feeding, its the bottle all the way. But I don’t think you need to be hold the baby to feed them. No, that is way too time consuming. Just put the baby in a seat, stick the bottle in their mouths and prop a blanket or small stuffed toy under it. Besides giving you more time, this is a great way to teach the kids independence because you know that if they want to eat and that bottle falls, they will learn real quick how to hold it up.

3. Get your rest. The most important thing that you can do as a parent is be well rested. When you get enough sleep you are better able to handle those tough situations that creep up during the day. The best way to accomplish this is to have your children sleep out in a shed in the back yard. People don’t look at me like that, I am not cruel. You can keep the tiny ones inside but once they reach 6 weeks old, boot them out. You don’t really need to listen to all that crying.

4. Take time for a booty call. Parenting is hard and it is even harder when done alone. That is why its important to keep your marriage alive especially the sex part. Take time for each other, go away and leave the kids for a few weeks, that is why the kids have grandparents after all to watch your kids so you can go and get your freak on. In the long run, your kids will be happier because you took care of your needs because they won’t have to deal with 2 sex starved parents.

5. Get them educated. It is really important from a very young age to give your kids a good education. Most parenting experts will tell you to read to your kids and talk to them when they are young and for the most part I agree with them. But where we disagree is in that I believe that the TV can do this for you. My TV has taught my kids Spanish and Chinese, they have learned to count and they learned colors and shapes. I don’t see no book doing that kind of teaching.

6. Let them eat cake. There is a really big push right now to eat healthy especially for young kids. I just tend to roll my eyes. Come on, they are kids. This is the one time in life when they have the metabolism to eat junk food and not have it go straight to their hips. Besides, letting them eat all that sugar and crap gives them plenty of energy to go and run laps around the house. Just promise them more candy and they will do anything.

7. Its all about mommy. It is really important as a mom not to get lost in your children. You need to remember who you are as a person and nurture that person. You need to take time for yourself. The best way to do this is to just ignore the kids for a  couple hours or so. Put some head phones on, turn the music up and soon that crying and whining will be a thing of the past.

So there you have it. My advice on how to be an awesome parent through the early childhood years. It has worked great for me and my kids. See, they just love me so much they just clamor for my attention.

I know, you will get the same results. And like I said earlier, thanks can be made in the form of cash donations.

I am Pretty Sure that the Discovery Channel will Want to Air this Video. The Footage is that Rare and Amazing.

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Maybe I Need to Stop the Sarcasm

I would say that I am a very sarcastic person. As I have gotten older, I have perfected this well, lets call it a talent.

Jeff is also very sarcastic as well. In fact he is more sarcastic than I am and when you get the both of us going, it is often times difficult for people to know when we are serious or not. I actually had someone who didn’t know us very well, pull me aside and tell me that I didn’t need to take his abuse.

It just comes natural to both Jeff and I and sometimes we just can’t help ourselves. In fact, we both use sarcasm around the kids. Me more so than Jeff because, let’s face it, I am around them more.

Well, kids just don’t understand sarcasm. I know this because of all the blank looks that they give me when I say things like;

“No, I am not busy. I am only trying to empty the dish washer, make dinner and feed the cat. So yeah, I can go and find your cup.”

“Yeah, that is a pretty big scratch. I think we need to take you to the hospital.”

“And yeah, sure you can eat only candy for dinner.”

When I say these things they just look at me with big puzzled looks on their faces. Its like they know I am not serious but aren’t really sure.

Hayden has started to catch on a little bit because he has started to ask, “Are you being serious? Are you just kidding?” when something I say sounds too good to be true or a little bit off.

But recently something happened that made me think that I may need to stop all my sarcasm or at the very least, tone it down a bit.

I was upstairs putting laundry away when I turned to walk downstairs, I stepped wrong on my foot and sprained my ankle. I have sprained this ankle about a dozen times so each time I do it, the pain gets worse and worse. This time it was so bad that I doubled over and started sobbing.

All of the kids, who were getting ready to go outside, came running back up the stairs saying, “Mommy! What’s wrong?”

I was in so much pain that I couldn’t answer them. I just laid on the floor and cried.

Then something must have registered with Hayden about this situation because he started to ask me if I was “really serious?”

“Mom, come on,” he said as he tried to push me up, “You are fine and you are just pretending to cry like Jake to make him stop. You are not hurt, mom. Stop it.”

I tried to convince him that I was really hurt but I was having a difficult time controlling the sobs.

“Come on, guys. Mom is kidding,” Hayden said as he gathered the little kids, “Let’s go outside.”

In Hayden’s defense, I sometimes do mock Jake when his crying and whining is too much for me to handle but this time I really was hurt. I just needed a little sympathy.

I guess its time to not be so sarcastic.

Man, this is going to be hard.

She’s Got the Smarts

From the moment our children are born, we want them to be successful.

First it is successful with feeding and then sleeping and then mastering all the mile stones that come during that first year of life.

Once these steps are mastered, we move onto things that show intelligence like being able to recognize and say shapes and colors and then its letter and number recognition. And even before our children are in school,  we work with them on early math and reading skills.

Jeff and I are no different with these hopes and dreams. We sit down with our kids and turn on the TV and let it do the educating. Of course, we help them participate.

Like the other night, we put on an episode of Blue’s Clues about weights and measures. The object of the activity was to tell the host, Steve, which one of the two objects is heavier.

Jeff engaged the kids by repeating the question, “Which one is heavier,” he asked, “a strawberry or a bagel?”

All the boys quickly yelled, “Bagel!”

Claire being the independent woman that she is, went against the crowd and yelled, “Strawberry!”

When the answer was revealed to be the bagel as the boys had said, Jeff encouraged Claire to try again, “It’s ok, honey. Here try again, which one is bigger and weighs more, the feather or the rock.”

The little boys, taking their cue from Hayden, began to scream, “The Rock! The Rock!”

Claire again, letting her independent nature shine said, “NO! Uer wrong. The feather, the feather!”

This time it was Hayden who tried to correct our little head strong girl, “Claire, honey, the rock is way more bigger than the feather.”

“No!” Claire screamed as she turned to bury her head in Jeff’s chest.

And Jeff being the awesome dad that he is comforted her by saying, “Don’t worry honey, math is hard. You’ll just have to get by on looks.”

Claire turned her big blue eyes up towards Jeff and said, “Yeah.”

I guess, if you can’t be smart, you might as well be pretty.

Yeah, we are raising them kids up right.