Similar Names and Awkward Text Messages

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I have a problem.

My husband and my best friend have very similar names. Well, kind of similar in the fact that in both their names the first two letters are the same and in both their last names the first two letters are the same.

My husband is Jeff Mitchell and my bestie is Jen Mil… (not sure she wants her name on the Internet so I’ll protect her innocence from you all crazy stalkers)

See, not exactly the same but very close. It confuses me and has produced a some awkward situations.

These two people are the people that I text most so they are both on the top of my texting list. I have been know to send a bitchy text about my husband meant for my bestie to my husband. Or a sexy text meant for my husband to my bestie. Or worse a text about how I want to jump the hot construction worker that just winked at me meant for my bestie but sent to my husband.

It’s all good. Jeff will just text me back saying, “Are you sure you wanted this to go to me?”

I can almost see the eye roll through the phone.

Another way I get confused is that by their responses. Since I am constantly texting these two, I will often not pay close enough attention to the sender.

If I just sent Jeff a text and then my phone beeps with a new text message I just assume it’s from him when  a lot of times it’s actually from Jen.

This just happened recently.

I had texted Jeff something about something he needed to do after work for the kids. I don’t remember specifically but probably something along the lines of ‘Hey dude. Don’t be a dumbass and forget to pick up our kids’ or ‘Can you get milk because our kids guzzle it by the gallon daily and we really need a cow’.

I hit send and then went back to scrolling through Facebook to pass the time.

As I was scrolling a text banner flashed across the top of my iPhone meaning I had a new text message. I glanced up, quickly saw a ‘Je’ and then part of the message that said “my dress keeps riding up when I sit down…”

Not exactly the message one would get from their husband but my brain processed it and I said to myself, “Huh, I don’t remember Jeff wearing a dress this morning. I wonder which dress of my dresses Jeff borrowed to wear to work?”

I paused for a moment.

This is didn’t make sense. I probably needed to read the whole message. I felt like I was missing something. Something was off. I wasn’t getting the whole picture.

I closed the app I was using and opened my text message.

“My dress is riding up when I sit down and my vagina is acting like a suction cup on the stool.”

Well now this was weird. I know my husband does not have a vagina. I checked that this morning. So I looked more carefully at the message and that’s when I realized, it was my bestie sending me the text and not my husband.

Whew.

Glad, I cleared that one up because I really didn’t want to share my dresses with Jeff. He just doesn’t have the boobs to make them look good.

 

My Son Did My Makeup

doing makeup

I like being a girl.

I like all the pretty things girls get to wear, I like the sexy panties and bras, I like the shoes but most of all I like the makeup.

Wearing makeup makes me happy, in fact I usually reapply my mascara before I go to be so that I will be pretty when I sleep.

But sometimes a little change in the makeup routine is good so I thought, “why not let my son do it for me?” Maybe together we could start the newest makeup tread.

So I sat back with a glass of wine and let him make me pretty.

He had full use of all my makeup, my face was his canvas and I promised not to look until he was done.

And when he was done, boy was I surprised.

*watch the video*

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my son did my makeup

I’m pretty.

No Public Adjustments

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I could feel it ride up as I drove. It was like a string being pulled up tighter and tighter. I would need to do some serious adjusting as soon as I stopped the car.

I tried to shift in my seat, hoping that would make a difference, trying to find some relief but nothing was helping.

Since my rediscovery that I am a woman and not just a mom, that has meant my underwear choices have gone from cotton white table clothes to more dainty things like boy shorts, bikini briefs and thongs.

I like wearing these new sexy undies, they make me feel good. It’s just that sometimes the thongs… well, they take things a little too far up.

Despite what you may think, I do find thongs very comfortable to wear. I don’t feel like I have something constantly up my butt. Quiet the opposite, I feel like they ride up less. The number of wedgies I have to deal with has greatly decreased. They also make me feel sexy and pretty. And from what I can tell, the man of the house likes them too.

But there is always one troublesome one, one where the fit isn’t quiet right. There in lies the problem.

I pulled into the parking lot and got out of the car. The kids burst through the open doors like bees leaving the hive in search of pollen. Thankfully, a shiny rock on the ground caught their attention and I knew this was my moment.

I reached around to quickly fix my underwear but this thong had a mind of it’s own and apparently was trying to go up to my head via and internal route by way of my butt hole.

This was not going to be an easy, quick, sneaky wedgie pick. Nope, it was going to have to be more aggressive.  I was going to have to go digging… maybe even lift my skirt up.

I scanned the parking lot for people.

Nothing.

The kids had moved their attention to a stick and a bug and where staying out of the way on coming cars.

I moved a little closer to the van and used the open drivers side door as a bit of a shield then I went in.  I tried to get at my underwear through my skirt but it still wasn’t happening so I lifted up one side of my skirt and slide my hand to my ass. I bent over just a bit  to grab the string that was in a place go string should go, found it with my finger, did a little wiggle and pulled that sucker out.

Oh, sweet relief.

The wedgie caused by the throng string trying to violate me in ways I was not happy about was finally fixed. My ass could relax.

Whew!

Then since I was up there, I decided to fix my tank top by pulling it down which made me realize my boobs need adjusting and pushed up. I got all lady bits situated, smoothed my skirt down and turned to call the kids to me so that we could go into the store when I noticed the person sitting in the car watching me.

This person had just watched me wiggle, pull, tug, adjust, pick, prod and do things that should only be done in the privacy of one’s bathroom to my clothes and body.

I couldn’t think of anything to do so I just stared back at the person who’s eyes were as big as saucers after my little show.

You could cut the awkward with a knife.

“Mommy, can we go?!” one of the kids said breaking my trance and bringing me back to reality.

I nodded at the child and turned to walk into the store. I would feel my cheeks get red but then the hilarity of the whole situation hit me and I just laughed.

Maybe I’m not as ready for big girl sexy undies as I thought I was but that doesn’t mean I’m giving up. Although, in the meantime, that thong it totally being retired.

The Top Five Most Annoying Trends from My Children at the Moment

I don’t really consider myself a trendy person but there are some trends that I would like to discuss today. No, not the beach waves hair, neon makeup or the leggings as pants trends.

I want to discuss some trends that have come from my children because let’s face it, that is about as trendy as I get these days.

Here are the top five most annoying trends from my children at the moment.

stop petting meWe live with cats, I do not understand my children’s need to constantly pet me. Hugs, I like. Petting, not so much.

mom on twitterHow my children learned about Twitter, I am not so sure. It’s supposed to be my thing. Not theirs.

what's for dinner grossI always tell them if they don’t like what I make for dinner then they can make it. They of course think this is awesome and we end up eating pop-tarts and cat food for dinner.

kids making angry demandsAll I ask for is a simple ‘please’. That’s it. I know they have manners, I see them use them with other people but with me, their mother… I get an evil laugh.

mommy and daddy timeThis is just poor timing and poor planning and the fact that some alarm goes off in their heads just as mommy is about to…  Yeah, this is just not good.

So what are some annoying trends from your kids?

 *this post is part of Writer’s Workshop*

I LOVE that Song!

When I used to get home from school, I would burst into the house, throw my backpack in my room and run to turn on the little  TV  in the kitchen.

I fumbled with the remote and keyed in the channel. The previous show was finishing the last commercial break. I would make myself a snack, popcorn, and then sink down against the back of the cupboard to the floor to sit and watch.

The theme song just made me smile… “Pop. Pop. Pop Up Video.” I sang along as I crunched on my popcorn. The music of the show filling the quiet of the house.

I wondered what songs would be featured today and watch interesting little tid-bits of random knowledge would fill my brain so there was less room for the important facts school was teaching me.

But deep down in my heart, I prayed they would show my most favorite video. The one that made me believe in love and that a person would do anything for it. The song that I thought was sung by a meatloaf. The song that confused me because it never really answered the what ‘that’ was.

to view the video on YouTube, click here

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Being Married to a Directionally Challenged Wife

I have a terrible sense of direction. Not so terrible that I couldn’t find my way out of a paper bag but pretty damn close.

I took a map reading class in college for one of my PE credits and I had to take it three times because I just couldn’t pass it and ended up dropping the class to take knitting instead.  I just couldn’t get past the fact that when I was told to go north that didn’t mean I had to go literally up. North is ‘up’ on a map but apparently when you are not on a map, it means something else, I think. I don’t know, it’s all very confusing.

When someone tells me to go north or south, I am lost. That means nothing to me. I look at you like you have two heads. I need to be told left, right, up, down and if you could add a few landmarks that would be fabulous.

This has been a slight point of frustration to my husband.

directionally challenged wife

Jeff had picked a new restaurant for us to try for a family night out.  Since I wasn’t sure where it was and I was already driving, it seems like the easiest thing to do to call him for directions rather than fumble around with my GPS.

“So where is this place?” I asked when he answered the phone.

“It’s up by the movie theater.” he said.

That was good, I got that.

“Ok, where by the movie theater, in the same little strip mall?” I ask for clarification.

And here is where things got a little messy because my mathematical man brained husband said to me, “No, the movie theater is north of the restaurant.”

I paused on the phone.

“So you mean that it is up from the movie theater?” I said.

“No, if you go to the movie theater you will have to do a Michigan left and then go south to get to the restaurant.” he said.

“I don’t know what that means. Is the restaurant before or after the theater?” I asked.

“It’s south of the theater.” he repeated himself.

“Does that mean it’s on the road closer to home or like more towards your dad’s house who lives up north?” I asked.

“It’s not near dad’s” he said and I could hear the frustration rising in his voice. “Do you know where the Wendy’s is by the movie theater?”

“Um…” I said thinking, trying to get a picture in my head of the area, “Kinda.”

“The restaurant is south of the movie theater and then west of the Wendy’s.” he said.

I rolled my eyes and sighed, he might as well have been speaking French to me.  “I don’t understand what you are saying to me.”

I could hear his eye roll through the phone.

“The restaurant is south of the movie theater after you do your Michigan left turn,” he said

I wanted to beat my head of the stirring wheel but since the kids were in the van with me, I thought knocking myself out wasn’t my best plan. This was getting us no where fast.

“Ok, fine. I’ll just drive around and try and find it. I’ll pull into the movie theater and I’m sure I ‘ll see it.” I said in a huff.

“No.” He said, “Then you will be too far north.”

If he said “north, south, east or west” one more time, I was going to scream. My brain hurt and he wasn’t making any sense.

“Whatever. I’ll find it. I’ll stop on the side of the road and ask a hobo if I need to.” I said.

He took a breath. I knew he was calming himself, not one to give up easily, I knew he was going to try one more time.

“Do you remember that restaurant where we had dinner with Jack and Ann a few years ago for New Year’s Eve?” he asked.

“Oh yeah, that place had the best martini’s and Ann wore the cutest little gold and silver heels,” I answered.

“This restaurant is right by where that one was,” he said.

“Oh, I know exactly where that is.” I said, “That is just down from the movie theater. Why didn’t you say that in the first place?”

I could hear the face palm over the phone.

“Ok, yeah…” he said through gritted teeth. “See you soon.”

As frustrating as that whole conversation was, it was kind of his own fault. For when you are married to a directionally challenged wife, you should just skip north and south and talk in landmarks and cute shoes.