Embarrassing Moments in Wearing Pants.

Sometimes pants fail.

I learned this the hard way.

I’m just thankful I followed dress code.

This event was embarrassing but it was funny and I laughed about it making it one of my favorite moments in August so I’m linking up with Mama Kat’s Vlogging Workshop.

If you can’t see the video, click here. 


The Day that’s Better than Christmas

Do you hear that?

Listen really carefully.

That’s right… Nothing.

There is nothing to hear as I sit here at my kitchen table. Well, the cat is snoring pretty loudly.

That’s right. There are no screams, no bickering, no fighting, no annoying video games, no one yelling “MOOOOOM!” Nothing.

I can whisper and hear it. I can even hear myself think and… and have a complete thought without someone asking me for a snack or if I think that black snake in the sandbox would make a good belt.

And why is it all quiet around me?

Did I manage to find gypsies willing to take the children on the road with them? Oh no, something better happen.



Summer break is over and it’s back to school. Oh my God, it’s probably wrong to be this happy about the kids going back but I don’t care. I am giddy.


Well, you saw my happy dance.

This summer has been insane. Just insane. I don’t even know where to begin. I mean this summer stopped my blogging. That’s crazy to me. I just couldn’t find the time or the energy to write. There were so many stories that I wanted to tell but couldn’t because I was playing referee or making someone something to eat or cleaning up mud or sucking down coffee to survive the sleep deprivation caused by a boy child waking me in the middle of the night to tell me his penis was itchy due to the fact he got poison ivy all over it.

It was non-stop balls to the wall, my liver begging me for a break, daily survival.

And I did it.

I survived. I think.  Well, I do have 6 more gray hairs on my head, a constant dull headache and darker under eye circles but I suppose that just comes naturally with motherhood.

So now, I sit for like the first time in 3 months in silence. My personal space once again my own and my bathroom time once again just between me and the toilet without a child wanting to see my poop color.

School happened just in the nick of time. One more week of the kids home and I probably would be on the phone asking if the local loony bin would accept cash or credit cards for an extended stay.

I love those kids but it’s time for a little space between us.

Sure our fall schedule scares me and there will be 4 kids who will need homework help nightly but that’s ok. I’m sure I have some brain cells left. It’s going to an interesting school year and know that I say, God bless the teachers of my children.

And as for blogging, I got stories to tell and hopefully time to tell them.

It’s good to be back in the school routine.

So freaking good.

Let’s Get You Home

I woke up that morning with a big smile on my face. I didn’t toss and turn and avoid getting up and I only hit snooze button once instead of the usual five times.

Today was gonna be a good day, today my baby was coming home.

It didn’t really hit me that he was gone until we had returned home from dropping him off. As we walked in the house and the triplets scattered, I instantly felt a pain in my heart. Someone was missing.

And that’s when gates opened and I crumbled into a mess of sobs.

My oldest son away from home at camp for one week.

He was so excited to go, couldn’t wait for the day when he could go to overnight camp. I was so proud of him. Seven days away from home, not knowing a soul at camp and not even blinking an eye when we all said good bye.

But as the week progressed, my need for him increased. I couldn’t help but worry… Was he eating enough? Was he sleeping? Was he wearing sunscreen? Was he drinking enough water? Were the kids being nice to him? Was he changing his underwear? Was he having fun? Was he missing me?

I can’t tell you how many times I wished that I could just call and check on him. Every day, I would excitedly check the mail for a letter, a quick note, a random art project of feathers, something that would connect me to him but nothing came.

I told myself that this was a good thing. He was too busy to miss home, miss the family, miss… me. That’s how it should be after all.

But that still stings.

When we arrived at camp, I was giddy. I couldn’t help but smile. We had about 20 minutes to wait until the end of camp program started and it took all my self control to not run through camp like a lunatic yelling and shouting his name. Being in the same location as him but not being near him was killing me.

I just wanted him.

We decided to walk to the seating area and suddenly there he was. He popped up in the window of the dining hall. He was surrounded by friends and all smiles.

boy at summer camp

The triplets ran to him and he acted cool. He nodded at me and his dad, said something about needing to eat his toast and then was gone from sight.

I sighed.

There he was. I had laid eyes on him. He was wearing pajamas and a straw sombrero, his face was smudged with jelly and dirty but he was in one piece. He looked happy.

It was then I released the breath I didn’t know I was holding.

As the campers walked into the seating area and took the stage, I was flooded with memories of my time at summer camp. The freedom to be a kid. No parents nagging, no real rules to follow, just good times. I felt goose bumps prickle my arms as the kids sang some of their camp songs and I knew this would be a time he would never forget.

I watched my son pick at his hat, toss his shoe in the air and do anything but sing the songs. I smiled to myself, being away for a week really didn’t change him. He was still the same kid.

The ache in my arms grew stronger. I wanted him. I needed him. It was long past time.

All the campers filed out and were supposed to head back to their cabins and that’s where families would be reunited but I couldn’t wait.

The sombrero made him easy to find and from the way he was trying to play is cool but also wondering around looking, I knew he wanted me too.

“Hayden!” I called.

He didn’t hear me.

“HAYDEN!” I called again, louder but still he didn’t hear me.

“Hey,” I said this time close enough to touch his arm.

He turned to face me and literally fell into my arms and that’s when the tears began to fall as he tried to press his little but big body into mine trying to erase all the distance between us.

At first I was worried he was hurt but then I knew… he just missed me.

I held him. I held him as we stood together in the middle of a crowd of people. I held him as tight as I could.

And he held me back.

Finally, I pulled him off of me to get a good look at him.

Before me was my oldest son who, even though was only gone a week, looked older… more mature, more independent. He was also dirty. Probably the dirtiest kid I had ever seen.

He wiped the tears from his face making the dirt smudges worse, he said to me, “Mom, I ran out of underwear so my weenie is just dangling in my shorts.”

A spry smile spread across his face and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“Come on,” I said pulling him close and kissing his forehead, “let’s get you home.”

mom and summer camp boy

Six Year Old Sex Ed


“Mommy, what’s that circle thingy under my penis where the pee comes from?” Jake asked from the top of the stairs.

It was just after bath time. The kids were getting pj’s on and I was finishing cleaning up dinner. I set the dish down that I was washing, grabbed a towel and walked over to him,  “What?” I said, very confused.

“That circle thingy under my penis has all the lines on it, what is that?” he asked again, not really clearing things up any.

I just looked at him, for the life of me I couldn’t figure out what in the world he was talking about. Circle thing?

“Jake, that is your pee sack,” Quinn jumped in and clarified. “It holds all your pee.”

Finally the light bulb went off and I understood what he was talking about. Jake was asking about his scrotum.

Now, I kinda think that because I don’t have a penis, I shouldn’t have to teach the boys about theirs. I will talk vagina all day long with Claire but I am not the penis expert in the house. I wanted to call for Jeff to field this line of questioning. He has a penis he should answer the questions but I am a nurse for goodness sake, I can handle this. It is just anatomy.

“Boys,” I began, “that is not your ‘pee sack’ or where pee comes from, it is called your scrotum and it holds your testicles.”

They just looked at me and immediately both their hands went south and began to fondle.

“What’s testmacles?” Quinn asked.

Oh man. I totally opened that door. Now how was I supposed to explain what testicles were for without going giving a full sex ed lesson. I was walking a very fine line.

I decided being honest and scientific was the only way. Let the questions come, I am good at dancing around things and confusing them with science and big words if needed.

“You need your testicles because they make something that you will need to make a baby. Then you will need a mommy and a daddy to make a baby.” I said.

“How does that work?” Quinn asked, being ever curious about the way things work.

Oh shit. Deep breathes. I can do this.

But before I could figure out an appropriate answer to Quinn’s question, Jake asked, “Well are they, um… bone or metal? Because I really think I should have some medal in my body.”

Say what?

I tried to process what Jake was asking and stop from self from laugh so hard that I would need to change my underwear as Claire busted from her room, naked as the day she was born.

“I HAVE A VAGINA!” she screamed while running.

Both boys giggled at Claire and I knew that I loosing hold of this little anatomy lesson.

“Testicles are not medal or bone. They are organs and squishy,” I tried to explain but Claire doing her version of naked aerobics was more interesting, then listening to me.

“Claire.” I said, “Will you put your vagina away.”

As the words spilled from my mouth, I shook my head. Oh the things I have to say as a mother. Also, if I ever have to say that again, especially during those teen years, it will be too soon.

I took a deep breath. I wanted to continue teaching them about their bodies. This was good stuff to know. But  now all three kids were giggling and jumping around naked. Body parts were going every where.

I sighed, my lesson was done.

And as the three started scooting their naked butt on the carpet like dogs  I yelled… “ALRIGHT!  PLEASE PUT YOUR PENISES AND VAGINA AWAY!”

Yup, subject closed.

Letting Go

He walked up beside me and slipped in hand in mine.

I can still wrap my whole hand around it but it’s getting bigger, soon he will be the one holding my hand instead of me holding his.

I give it a squeeze and bring it to my lips. The kiss makes him smile and giggle.

We walk like this, hand in hand, for a while.

The side walk is crowded, there are bikers and walkers and strollers. People have come out for the night’s festivities.

I used to not really like fireworks. I didn’t ever really want to stay up that late. I’ve reach that point in my life where more sleep is the thing that I cave. Also, I lack the right equipment (aka I don’t have a penis) to get really excited about fireworks.

But this year was different. This year, I was excited.

I think it was because the kids are finally old enough for it to be an enjoyable experience. They remember the fireworks from last year and can’t wait to watch them again.

fireworks and a lantern

As we walked back to the grassy lawn where we would watch the show from getting a treat of slushies from the gas station, I watched people.

I watched a young family struggle with a stroller and a overly tired baby in a back pack.

I watched an older couple walk hand in hand, one with a limp from the passing of time.

I watched a group of teen boys flirt with some girls, trying to score a phone number.

I watched two tweens zoom by us on scooters.

“You know,” I said look down and the scruffy head of blond hair next to me, “Some day you are going to want to come to these fireworks without me and dad.”

He didn’t say anything and just kept walking.

“You are going to think it will be so lame to be seen with your parents. We will become so uncool.” I continued giving him a playful little nudge.

He looked at me, with almost tears in his eyes.

“No, mommy. No” he said. “I am always going to want to be with you.”

He grabbed onto my side and then began to hug me like he was trying to climb back into my uterus. It was like he was trying to stop all distance between us, stop time from moving on.

I held him and tousled his blond mop of hair.

“It’s ok, buddy.” I said with a little giggle at his over reaction which he totally comes by naturally, “That is what you are supposed to do.”

“No. I don’t want too.” he said holding on a bit more, not ever wanting to let go.

“Parents are supposed to become uncool,” Jeff said joining the conversation, “You will have friends that you will want to be with more than us.”

“It’s not going to happen tonight or even tomorrow,” I said loosening his grip so that we could begin walking again, “but it will happen. It’s suppose to happen.”

We walked in silence for a moment. Both of us making peace with letting go.

“But I will always come back,” he said taking my hand in his again, “always.”

I squeezed his little but big hand and said, “Promise?”

Before he could answer, he spotted a friend of his, waved feverishly and his hand slipped from mine.

I didn’t try to hold on even though there is a part of me that wanted too. Truth be told, I want him to have friends, I want him to go after them. I want him to learn to stand on his own two feet. I want him to have fun.

So I did the only thing I could, I opened my hand and let go.

Video Store View

Video-Store (1)

“How about a pizza and movie night?” I texted into my phone to Jeff.

I really didn’t feel like making dinner. Heck, I don’t feel like making dinner most nights but it’s something that has to be done. There are only so many nights a week that I can convince the kids that cereal really is not just for breakfast.

Beside, it was Friday. I’ll make dinner all through the week but come the weekend, I want to be done. In fact, cooking on the weekend should be outlawed unless the restaurant is doing it.

“Had pizza for lunch but sure” my phone beeped with Jeff’s response.

Hot damn. I just figured out dinner.

“Hey, kids!” I yelled causing them to all run to me, “How about a family movie night?”

Yay!!!!” they all screamed and started jumping around.

I smiled at their excitement. I had to admit, I was pretty excited too. It’s just a little something, eating pizza on the floor in front of the TV, but it’s us… all together just being a family. And it’s fun until someone knocks over a drink, steps in the pizza and kicks a sibling in the head but that is beside the point.

“Ok, grab your shoes… let’s go to the video store.” I said getting my purse and keys.

The kids scrambled to find their shoes and then one by one got into the van an belted up.

We don’t really need to go to the video store to get a movie. We have Netflix and Direct TV and goodness knows, when we rent a video we always end up with late fees but there is just something about going into the video store that I like.

It reminds me of when I was kid. First my parents taking me and my brother and sister there on Friday nights to pick out movies then going there with friends to find the scariest movie we were allowed to watch. The video store was where I was asked out on my very first date. He asked me to watch a movie with me while at the video store. Original, huh?

I just like going. I think it’s along the same lines as why I like going to the library. With eReaders and online books, I don’t really need books or the library but I still go. I want to hold that book in my hands and it’s the same with the DVDs.

“Mommy, can we get two bideos?” Quinn asked

“Oh and maybe a Wii game? Please, mommy… Please!” Jake chimed in and begged.

“No, no games,” I said as I held the door open for them to enter the store. “And we will see about getting 2 movies.”

When we entered the store the kids scattered, Hayden and Jake to the video game section, Quinn to the animal section and Claire to drool over Spider Man. I went to walk the wall of all the new release to see if I could find that magical movie that would entertain the kids while not making Jeff and I want to slowly remove our eye balls with spoons.

I took a DVD off the shelf to look at it when Quinn came up and stood be side me. He didn’t say anything, just stood there, kind of dancing around and every now again touching his boys parts.

“Do you have to go potty?” I asked setting down the DVD.

“No,” he said matter of factly.

“Really?” I said as he now stood beside me legs crossed, hand holding himself, totally doing the ‘I gotta pee’ dance. “How about we find a bathroom?”

I took his hand and we walked to the back of the store. There were two doors down a small hall. One was closed and one was half open. I pushed Quinn into the half open one to go into the bathroom alone, while I stood by the door and kept an eye out of the other kids.

Quinn was in the room for a few minutes and then returned still doing the ‘I gotta pee’ dance.

“Did you go?” I asked.

He shook his head.

I began to get annoyed with him because why in the world would he go into the bathroom and not pee? What in the world was he doing  in there?

I opened the door wide to check things out and gasped.

As it turns out, I did not push my newly 6 year old son into the bathroom but into the ‘adult only’ porn room of the video store.

I slinked back into the hall, closing the door and quickly opening the other one which thank God, was an actual bathroom.

Then I waited, chewing on my nail. I knew he was in that room long enough to see things. I knew he was an observant child. I knew he was going to say something.

“Mommy” he said

Oh Lord, here it comes.

“Why was that lady licking that man’s penis?” he asked.

Bam. There is was. And straight to the point.

I answered in the only way possible, “Because. Now why don’y you go pick out some candy but no lollipops.”

My Son Did My Makeup

doing makeup

I like being a girl.

I like all the pretty things girls get to wear, I like the sexy panties and bras, I like the shoes but most of all I like the makeup.

Wearing makeup makes me happy, in fact I usually reapply my mascara before I go to be so that I will be pretty when I sleep.

But sometimes a little change in the makeup routine is good so I thought, “why not let my son do it for me?” Maybe together we could start the newest makeup tread.

So I sat back with a glass of wine and let him make me pretty.

He had full use of all my makeup, my face was his canvas and I promised not to look until he was done.

And when he was done, boy was I surprised.

*watch the video*


my son did my makeup

I’m pretty.