Dirty Banana

When I was a freshman in college, I was invited to a bachelorette party.

Now, it wasn’t a ‘real’ bachelorette because most of us were under age so instead of going out to the bar and whooping it up like most girls do at a bachelorette party, we played games, fun bachelorette party games.

The most fun one being, rubber veggie aka who can put a condom on a cucumber and a banana with their teeth the fastest. Being the young, naive college co-ed that I was, I was really interested in this game.

(This was before I was a nurse and had had all the experience with penis’ that I do today.)

You see, I had never seen a condom outside of its package, let alone touched one or put one on. Heck, I had never even seen a penis outside of my anatomy book. So I thought this would be very good learning experience for me and possibly a good skill to have.

I was given a banana and a cucumber and two condoms. I then went to town and ripped open the package. I struggled for a while, crushed the banana, took a bite or two out of the cucumber but after about 3o minutes those pieces of fruit were good and rubbered.

The other girls in my group, I am guessing were more experienced than me because I finished last. They tried to help by heckling me and talking dirty about my play penis but it didn’t help.

It was just embarrassing.

And even a little dirty.

This whole experience has left a big impression on me. To this day, I can not look at a cucumber or a banana with out thinking of a condom and all the things that I had to do to get them shoved into their ‘wrappers’.

Thankfully, here in Michigan, cucumbers are seasonal so I really only have to deal with them in the summer but bananas, bananas are here all year round and my kids happen to LOVE to eat them. So bananas are a staple in our house.

When I walk by the bowl, they always seem to taunt me. Images flash in my head of condom wrappers flying every where and me trying to shove one into one of those little buggers. I hear my friends heckles and I get the slightest taste of rubber in my mouth.

And now after having children and the fact that was I was an ER nurse and I have seen and heard it all about sex, penis’ and condoms, I can’t help but giggle. Instead of embarrassment, my inner 13 year old boy comes out.

Especially when I hear myself say things like this.

“Don’t play with your banana, eat it.”

“We don’t lick bananas, we bite them.”

“Please don’t stroke/squeeze the banana, be nice to it.”

“Don’t shove that thing down your throat.”

And there are more, especially when Jeff gets going. But I will leave it at that and keep things PG-13.

The sad part is, I will never again be able to see a banana as just a delicious piece of fruit. Nope, bananas will now always be dirty to me.

And something tells me, that after this, they might be for you too.


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