So this week, the theme around the blogosphere has been about Motherhood. I have read a lot of great posts. Some beautiful, some gave me goose bumps, some brought a tear to my eye, some have made me laugh uncontrollably and some made me question things. Which I think is only fitting because Motherhood itself is like this.
Motherhood is such a thing that really cannot be explained. You don’t really get it until you have been in it. There is no way to tell some one of the love that a mother has for a child or how each minute can bring a new worry about that child. There is really not any good way to tell someone what to expect when they become a mother.
I know that I didn’t expect to feel the overwhelming, head spinning, gut wrenching love that I have for my children.
I know that I didn’t expect the frustrations and anger that can come with dealing with small children. I never understood how an adult could shake a screaming crying baby. I didn’t expect to be in the situation and thankfully choose to walk away instead.
I know that I didn’t expect to laugh multiple times a day at things my children say or do.
I know I didn’t expect to long to return to a time when my children were newborn babies, to just hold them again one more time, just to take in there smell and feel their weight in my arms. But in that same moment, I didn’t expect to be so excited and giddy to watch them grow up. Waiting anxiously for them to reach each new stage, beaming with pride when they do.
I know that I didn’t expect to second guess myself with every decision that I make. Even the simple ones like, should we go to the ER in the middle of the night for what seems to be just an ear infection? Maybe it is something else? Maybe there is more wrong, maybe not? Or to wonder, did I do something wrong in his first five years of life when he was home with me to cause these behavior problems at school?
I didn’t expect to wonder if my children would get enough love from me. I am giving them enough? There is only one of me and four of them. How is it possible to meet their every need when I am so out numbered.
I know that I didn’t expect to be able to instantly connect with other women, strangers, because they too are Mothers.
I know that I didn’t expect to wish for a handbook or a guide as to how to deal with these children. How am I suppose to handle a son that wants to sleep with me every night, a daughter that is so suborn she wouldn’t move from a spot that was on fire if I asked her and she didn’t want to, or a son that is so anxious and unnerved when I leave he can barely eat.
I know that I didn’t expect to get so much joy and happiness from just watching my children play and listening to them talk with each other.
I know that I didn’t expect for this to be the most difficult thing I have ever done in my whole life.
I had no idea of all the emotions and feeling that waited for me before a became a mother. And maybe that is why we really have no idea because really, who would choose to have their heart literally walking outside of their body?
But I did choose to become a mother even though I didn’t know what to expect. And you know what? I am so blessed because I did.