Dear Hayden

I can’t believe that I have been your mother for 5 years. I am the mother of a 5 year old, a kindergartner. I am not sad that you are growing up, I am happy about it. I have loved watching you grow. Since you were young, I have always wished you to the next stage. And you have had no problem getting there, even early in fact.

But you never would have guessed that from how you were born. You were a very big baby and I was convinced that you should come early. I tried everything in my power to do that. All the old wives tales—-I tried them. I ate Eggplant Parmesan like it was going out of style. One Saturday, I walked so much that I began contracting and I thought that you were coming but it was just not your time.

No you came 4 days after you were due, after 10 hours of labor, after 3 hours of pushing and after a c-section. But I didn’t really care, you were here and that is all that mattered to me.

From the moment I saw you, I loved you. I was in love with you. All I wanted to do was be with you, hold you and just watch you. During the first three months of your life, we were rarely apart. Every night, I rocked you to sleep. For hours, I would just sit, rock you and sing. Tears of joy and love would just stream down my face. I never wanted to be apart form you. I hated how my arms felt when you were not in them.

I vividly remember that morning I had to go back to work. I stood over your crib watching you sleep, knowing that I had to leave but I could not let go of your crib. How were you going to survive without me? I was your mother, how could I leave you? What if you needed me?

Your first few months in daycare, I called about 4 times a day. I just had to know that you were alright. With each phone call, I was reassured that you were fine. You were happy, fed and napping.

I realize now that that day when I first left for work, things changed for us. I still loved you with all my heart and soul but we no longer needed to be together every minute. It was the first of many times in your life that I would have to learn how to let go.

I must say, you have made this lesson easy for me. My brain is grateful but my heart, well it aches for you to want me or need me once again.

You have always been a very social and outgoing little boy. Your enthusiasm for the world around you is wonderful but at times can be overwhelming. You give love to anyone who needs it. When people would take you from my arms, you never looked back, never longed or looked for me. You have always been very friendly. Your open heart is a joy to me. I love how you will befriend anyone, you except people no matter what. I pray that this continues and that the world doesn’t take this from you as you get older.

I can honestly say that I am excited about this next year and the years that will follow. So many cool and exciting things are going to happen to you, being in school is the first. I know that it is not going to be easy as you grow up. But always know this, no matter how old you get and how little your need for me becomes, I will always be here. No matter what! There is nothing that you can do to make me stop loving you. And at anytime you need to or maybe when I need to, I will always be willing to hold you once again.

So Happy 5th Birthday, my sweet boy. I can’t wait to see where this next year takes you. I know that it is going to be full of fun, exciting and even some scary times. But we will face them all, together.

Love, Mom.


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