Maybe Its Because…..

I need to vent. I have some things on my mind. I have hinted at some of these things on twitter so it maybe familiar if you follow me. But I am tried of thinking about it so I have to write it and get them off my mind so hopefully, I can come to grips with some of it.

I am in a mood.

I don’t really know whats wrong but I am just feeling funking and sad. Last weekend, I spent time in my dark closet crying.

Maybe it was because I hate all my clothes and nothing fits right. I really don’t like the way my body looks. I want to change it but lack the motivation and energy to do so.

Maybe its because there are people around me, whom I love dearly, who are hurting. Sometimes life can be so cruel. It is not fair. It makes absolutely no sense. It makes my heart heavy and sometimes I wonder if praying will help at all.

Maybe its because my youngest three children have decided that sleep is really no fun. They don’t want to sleep at night and want to start their day at the ass crack of dawn. No matter how much I exhaust them during the day. No matter how early or late I put them to bed. No matter how long or short their nap is during the day. They just won’t sleep at night. The other night, I settled into sleep and got to do it for about 30 minutes when the first escapee came into my room and woke me up. I spent the next 2 and half hours bringing that child and others back to bed. I have joked in the past about tying them to their beds but now I am not kidding. The next time I work, I am taking some restraints home with me. And don’t even get me started on the battle to get them to go the sleep at night.

Maybe its because I am sick and tired of worrying about money and if Jeff and I will still have a job next week or next month. We really don’t have reason to worry but you never know. Remember, life is cruel and just when you think that it can’t happen to you that’s when you are hit the hardest.

Maybe its because I feel left out. I don’t feel like a belong in real life, on-line, anywhere. In my friendships, I feel like I am the one that picks up the phone, write the email, composes the texts. I don’t feel valued.

Maybe its because I am bored. I feel like there needs to be change in my life but that actually scares the hell out of me. I am terrified of making that change no matter what it might be.

Maybe its because there is no ice cream in the freezer.

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