It occurred to me that I had not written down the story of how our family came to be. It was a struggle to get to be this family of six. I want to tell this story, starting at the beginning.
As I turned the rectangular box over and over in my hands, I looked at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I did not want to take this test. Why did have I have to take yet another test? I wonder how many tests I had taken over the past year? They always came back with one answer, the wrong answer, negative.
The doctor’s told me that this month the drugs did not work. There was no way I was going to get pregnant this month. Yet again things were not working. Surprise, surprise. It seemed like nothing was going to work.
We did everything that they said. Temperature monitoring, blood tests, pill popping, charing, ultrasounds, sperm counts, scheduled sex. But still nothing.
It is not suppose to be this hard to have a baby. I am a woman. I am suppose to just be able have to have a baby. Why am I broken? Why can’t I do the one thing that all women are suppose to be able to do?
So now its moving on to the next step, a more aggressive approach. What does that mean? But what if this more aggressive approach does not work, what next?
Take a pill to have a period. Great, did that. But there is another problem, it didn’t work. Take a pregnancy test, they said. They are always telling me to take a pregnancy test. Why do I have to take this damn test anyway? I know it will be negative.
Fine. Fine. I’ll pee on yet another stick. I’ll show them. It will be negative. I will get one li ….
What the heck does two lines mean?….
No, it couldn’t be? This test must be broken….
Could it be? Could it really be? No, I can’t let me self think like that only to have my heart crushed yet again. The test is wrong, it has to be. I will try again.
Sobbing, I take the phone and call Jeff. I can barely dial because my hands are shaking.
Systems, this is Jeff.
I peed on a stick and there is two line. Two lines!!!!
What does that mean?
p-p-p-Pregnant. I think I am pregnant. *sobbing harder now* I don’t know what to do.
Well, you should probably start by calming down, take a deep breath, and call the doctor.
Yeah, call the doctor. *sniffle*
And Jen, this is a good thing.
Yes *sniffle* Yes it is a very good thing.