I have started a Facebook account. I was invited by a friend of mine and hearing about it on other blogs, I decided to join. What the heck, right? I could use another thing on the Internet to such my time. I blog, I tweet and now I Facebook.
But I must say that I really don’t know what I am doing. I am a Facebook virgin, if you will. I have like 20 friends but I am really not sure what to do with them now. I post little messages on my “wall” and leave messages for others but now what?
I have heard people say that Facebook is a great way to keep in touch with people. But how? A friend of mine gave me a little tutorial the other day and showed me how to find people. You can search for them by name, location, high school college, etc. Since we were at work, I decided that when I got home I would search for some old high school friends.
Right there is my issue. I don’t know why I am searching for these people? I did not have the greatest high school experience. In fact, it out right sucked and I was miserable. Picture this, me as the shy, fat, wall flower but ‘friends’ with the popular girls. These people were not my friends. I was just ‘used’ for this and that.
I remember vividly the day that I figured this out. We were at a football game and a few of us (about 5 or 6) were standing around in circle. I walked out of the circle for a minute to put something in the trash and when I returned, the circle was twice the size and I was on the outside looking in, I was not able to ‘get back in’. I realized that was my whole relationship, I was always on the outside looking in.
I left that school, was able to meet new people, stand on my own 2 feet, get to know myself and figure out who I was. My life changed and for the better. The best thing that happened was that I met Jeff.
But I have always wondered what happened to these people. I wouldn’t really say that I think of them often but every now and again they creep into my mind. See, back in middle school and high school, I thought I was nothing with out them. I thought that they made me special. I so wanted to be liked and to belong. I thought that these people were great, well to me the sun shone out of their asses. I guess it is my own fault for putting them up on such a pedestal, they didn’t ask for that.
So, again I ask why do I want to find these people? I don’t need their approval or do I? There is a part of my that wants closure and wants to ask, “Why did you not ever call me after I left? Why did almost 10 years of friendship have to end in just one afternoon. Was I ever really your friend?”
There is another part of me that wants to show them what I have become, what I have done with my life, my life without them. All my beautiful blessings and accomplishments and rub their faces into how really special I am. But I won’t, this will just be our little secret.
To get to the point before I lose you in all my ramblings, I have found some of these “friends.” When I found them all those old insecurities came rushing back to me. My head screamed at me, “What are you doing? Why are you even considering contacting them? Do you want to get hurt all over again?” My heart said, “That was a long time ago… Just forgive… Be interested in who they are now.”
I am going with my heart. I wrote a message to one person. I don’t even know if I want her to write me back. I don’t know if she remembers me. I don’t know what to say. The strong confident person that I am today, is being challenged by the shy, insecure that was 12 years ago… and I don’t know what to do?